Hear the author perform the text, recorded live on the This Is Hell radio program/pocast:
The author recommends the podcasts, Conspirituality and Decoding the Gurus. Available wherever fine podcasts are aggregated. In addition, one hopes slack is given in regards the vocal impersonations of celebrities
Blurbs famous people have licensed to the publisher:
“Hey! Snap out of it, Mopey Marvin.” - Tony Robbins, author of Tan And Grow Rich
“You’ve completely misunderstood my assertion.”- Sam Harris, author of How To Tell People What To Do
“The Early Bird, Nietzsche strongly implies i– and if you haven’t read Nietzsche, that great mind, that great, what have you been, how have you been spending your, because Nietzsche – but that’s another, that’s neither here nor, allow me to digress …” - Jordan Peterson, author of Wash Your Diaper And Spank Yourself: 12 rules for becoming a masculine baby
“It’s always in the last place you look.” - David Brooks, columnist and public nuisance
“You’re all getting a higher power!” - Oprah Winfrey, Matriarch at Charlatans Unlimited
“There’s one!” - Gwyneth Paltrow, GOOP CEO and Gland Ambassador
“Higher power? I can’t even find myself.” - Amelia Earhart, alien abductee
“Try retracing your steps.” - Chaya Raichik, Account Manager at Libs of TikTok, author of Woke Antisemites Are Coming For Your Child’s Genitals
“Yogsathoth devour our souls!” - Alex Jones, screeching hemorrhoid
“Oi, ladies. Want some of this?” - Russell Brand, sex pest and entrepreneur
What is a Field Guide to Finding Your Higher Power?
It’s actually The Field Guide to Finding Your Higher Power. There is only one, and this is it.
So what is it?
When we think of a field we usually picture a meadow. A field of grass or grain. Perhaps a savannah. But let’s go with meadow. A meadow is a good place to look for your higher power. It's a good hiding place for a lot of other things, too, such as car keys.
Why do you need this field guide?
Who, me? I don’t need this, you do. This field guide should sell itself. It was designed that way. Otherwise, as the writer of it, I have a whole lot of work ahead of me I did not plan on.
Why is my higher power hiding?
Good question. Maybe it has to do with why you are looking for it. You can ask it yourself when you get there.
What is a higher power, anyway?
When we say higher power, we mean, you know, like, a better power. Like higher in quality as opposed to high up in the sky or on the ceiling. Or in space. Also, it’s larger than you. Yet, also, within you. It’s complicated, like a Facebook relationship status.
Do I want a higher power?
Yes, you absolutely want and need a higher power. Everyone says so. Let’s be Socratic about this. If you don’t know what that means, think about Platonic. Now add questions and answers, like an interview show but all the people are hosts. Like a roomful of Howard Sterns. Or Oprahs. Or Stephen Colberts.
Why should I want a higher power?
Well, the first and best answer is that you currently don’t have one. How is that working for you, being without a higher power? Is life with just your ground floor-level power doing the trick for you? Do you have a fulfilling career? Are you satisfied with your love life? Is your home modest and tasteful yet roomy? Are your clothes quietly spectacular? Does your shampoo get you noticed? Do you have self-respect? Do you love yourself? Are you attractive to the people you feel attracted to? Yes? Wait, really? Well, good for you. Can you penetrate through the Gordian confusion of others to unknot the errors binding them to their misery?
Ah! Yeah, see. That’s the thing. That last one. You want to be able to do that. To others and to yourself. Probably do it to yourself first a few times for practice.
Is the higher power God?
Could be. It could be any number of gods or spirits or forces in the universe. It could even be you! You! You could be your higher power. Why are you hiding in a field? For that matter, why is God hiding in a field?
Where is this field?
To be honest, there is no field. But then again, the field is all around you. The field is the world. And you are already there! It’s almost as if you’ve been working on this all along, even before learning about it. You’re a natural!
How do I start?
Okay, you’re already in the world. Now, like Sherlock Holmes or a cartoon dog in a trench coat and fedora, you need clues. Clues to where that sucker is hiding.
How about a hint as to how to find the clues?
Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, to find the clues, you have to suffer. The good news is, you’re human, so suffering is what you were made to do. You’ve probably already suffered in your life, and might even be doing so right now. See? You’re a natural!
What qualifies you, Yosephus, to guide a course in higher power discovery?
You have read this far. It’s obvious I know my stuff. Right? It should be. If not, ugh, more work for me. I was really hoping to finally take it easy for a while.
But if it is obvious, as I suspect, then mail in your thingy today. Don’t forget the money. What are you waiting for? Really? Is that an excuse you often use for putting off things you absolutely know in your heart need to be done? Well stop it! It’s a bad habit.
Incidentally, your higher power will help you get your bad habits under control. With a higher power, you can stop drinking, chewing pen caps, procrastinating, and begin to understand what’s been holding you back your whole life. The paradox is, before you can find your higher power, which will help you control your habits, you must get your habits under control.
What’s a paradox?
Oy vey, really?
No, I guess I get it. So how do I find my way out of the paradox?
You mean, how do you resolve the paradox?
All right, “resolve.” Jeez-o-Pete, you’re smart!
The blessing and curse of being human is suffering. It’s a curse because suffering doesn’t feel good. Otherwise, they’d have named it something more cheerful. The blessing, though, is that, through suffering (and meditation, which is a quiet, calm form of suffering) the clues to the way to your higher power will emerge from within your very own self.
Sounds great. And important. I’m ready to commit.
Good choice. I’m proud of you. Just send in the attached coupon and $500, no crypto accepted, and you’ll be enrolled in A Course For Finding Your Higher Power. You’ll also receive this handsome commemorative bandana and a year’s supply of bee pollen suppositories.
Bee pollen suppositories?! I'm in!
Well done, Jeff! Super funny.