Harvard Undercover

what ingredients simmer in this academic cauldron of subversive ideology?

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It is a blessed of times, it is a cursed of times.

prehistoric monster with finger feet, probably an ancestor of whales

Have you ever been on the Harvard campus? I am, right now. No, I haven’t finally accepted that free ride to law school with a guaranteed internship as President of the United States they keep bugging me about in the mail. I happen to be killing time while someone who’s letting me crash on their futon is occupied at a conference on early modern church sermons. Hmm. What were they up to so early? Why not sermonize at a decent hour, after the worshipers have had their coffee?

I’m here on a mission. I got interested in a photo someone showed me of a plaque declaring how the order Cetacea, comprising the whales, has been, as Oscar Wilde might say, “quite exploded.”

Unfortunately, an exploration of the Harvard Museum of Natural History yielded no more information than I could read on the plaque in the photo. All that said was, scientists no longer consider whales part of their own order, Cetacea, because they share so many traits with mammals of the order Artiodactyla, or “even-numbered finger feet.” Whales do have vestigial finger bones inside their flippers, one of the attributes that made Darwin and his disciples ponder their evolutionary relationship to land animals. You might remember that all land animals descend from seafood. The first mud-skipping land fish came out of the sea some 390 million years ago, launching Charlie Darwin’s career.

old fish

hedgehog with even-fingered feet, stuffed and mounted, Harvard-style

So what do we call whales if there’s no more Order Cetacea? Do we just call them big fat flippery Artiodactyls? Well, as of this writing I can’t get online because I don’t have Harvard’s network password and I’m too shy to ask.

But no matter, I’ve got another mission, a more secret one: I’m undercover here at Harvard investigating how woke the campus has become. So it wouldn’t do to out myself by asking crazy questions like “what’s the password” and “how are we replacing the Order Cetacea?” That would be a sure giveaway.

As far as wokeness at Harvard, I was initially disappointed. Nowhere could I find the mountainous pile of murdered Jews Bill Maher and Sam Harris assured me was here. No pile of dead Christians either, Charlie Kirk and Tucker Carlson. I was told they would be right next to the Muslim coffee shop. To my disappointment, there is no Muslim coffee shop. Just an all-gender coffee shop. And to my deeper disappointment, I walked around all day wishing people “Merry Christmas” but nobody said, “boo.” They just smiled either appreciatively or, since it’s not even Halloween yet, patronizingly.

But despite the lack of any “smoking gun” or “smoldering pyre,” the campus of Harvard is unquestionably a wokebed of hottism. A visit to the natural history, Peabody, and geological museum complex will tell you all you need to know about that hot, steaming wokefulness. Deference to the world-views and validity of “other cultures” – as if! – is demonstrated by descriptions on many display plaques, which lean heavily toward wanting to “understand” the lifestyles of other “peoples.”

One item was missing, replaced by a plaque that explained its having been repatriated to the people who claim it was stolen from them, some indigenous club or other. You know, those people the white Europeans supposedly genocided? Somehow they survived enough to form a club and demand their flute or their great-great-uncle’s skull back. Just like the supposedly genocided Palestinians are somehow alive enough to plead for access to food, water, and shelter.

at Harvard, the radical communist demand for diversity extends to hummingbirds

Or like how those supposedly genocided Jews demand the right to defend themselves by – wait, I’m told I’m not allowed to “suppose” or even pretend to “suppose” the infamous genocide of the Jews. I cannot even mime it. That would be Holocaust Denial, and I am the opposite of a Holocaust denier. I am a Holocaust affirmer.

Just because many of us still survive doesn’t mean the genocide isn’t still threatening Jews all over the world while the relentless siege of Gaza is still going on more than a year after its beginning. Israel’s ordnance is even now blowing what Harvard might call “other cultures” to pieces in Gaza, the West Bank, and Beirut, making all us Jews safer. Supposedly? Two things can be true at the same time. The Holocaust can have happened and Israel can also itself be committing genocidal violence to supposedly protect all the Jews in the world. It is a blessed of times, it is a cursed of times.

I know it seems too ironic to be true, but there’s much very queer ado these days, like perverse SuperTruthy® pseudo-leftist Russell Brand rebranding as a devout Christian. He can be both allegedly guilty of sex crimes and allegedly trying to distract from the many accusations against him by publicly bowing down to the crucified Jesus, the most persecuted Jew of them all.

Just ask Bibi Netanyahu. The trick is, whenever you’re caught doing something morally questionable, publicly embarrassing or even illegal, always identify with and invoke the suffering of The Eternally Victimized Jew. “They got me like Jesus,” Chuck D once complained, but later decided it wasn’t such a great look. And, speaking of not great looks, the image of Netanyahu crucified in just a loincloth and a crown of thorns is one liable to induce vomiting.

But they don’t have such nauseous images in the Museum of Geological Science or whatever Harvard calls their rock museum. Some rock museum. The Rolling Stones haven’t even been inducted, and of all rock bands, they’re the most sedimentary, metamorphic, and igneous. To add basalt to injury, the curators also suggest that the Earth is over four billion years old. Everyone knows Galileo and Richard Dawkins created the world in 1963 to distract from the Kennedy assassination.

so-called “rock museum”

The Harvard campus is quite nice. I couldn’t help noticing, however, the many non-white people hurrying about their business, business I can only assume some white guy would be doing if only DEI, Cultural Marxism, and Critical Race Theory hadn’t robbed him of his birthright and doomed him to a life of vaccine denial and demagogic xenophobia.

Something else about the rock museum set off my smell-tester: how long has it been since anyone checked to make sure cinnabar and red rhodochrosite were actually two distinct minerals? I mean, even though they’re labeled as being of different types, a lot of these rocks look very much alike. You’re claiming molybdenite, galena, hematite, and magnetite are four different things? Are you sure? Can you check again? I’d be more comfortable if you’d check again, please. Can I speak to the manager?

Also, what’s with the gypsum from Chihuahua, Mexico? Don’t we have any decent homegrown gypsum here on our side of the border? JD Vance appointed that woman “border czar” (from his high-authority position as race-baiting fake Appalachian running for, I guess, border czar). Kamala Harris? Is she looking into how all this Chihuahua gypsum is pouring in over the border, taking jobs away from white supremacist US gypsum and ending up in our children’s breakfast cereal, turning them trans and gay and Black Lives Mattery?

rapist, drug-addicted, criminal mineral immigrant

You all know how prestigious Harvard is, right? You have Harvard on your resume, you can pretty much write your own ticket. Whenever you feel like it you can just knock on the door of the White House and take command. And so the fact that the curriculum of Harvard has been taken hostage by the woke mob should worry all gullible, ignorant dog whistle heeders and body-sovereign conspiritualists. If you’re sitting by your gramophone listening to Joe Rogan’s greatest dog whistle hits, you should be very upset about Harvard.

The mighty Harvard, from whose womb Presidents and their lawyers have been spawned like mudskippers from the primordial sea. Harvard has been taken over by Cultural Postmodern Marxist geologists and the best way you can fight them is to deliver a pepperoni and onion pizza to the lobby of the Hoffman Earth Sciences Building, on the south side of the building, off of Oxford street, near the elevator. You’ll see some armchairs surrounding a coffee table. Put the pizza on the coffee table and leave immediately. You might even spot, as you depart, a Cultural Postmodern Marxist appear from the nearby stairwell, sneaking up to take the bait.

As for the whales and the Order Cetacea, they can have that order. My order is pepperoni and onion. Good work, gullibles! You’ve contributed to your enemy’s obesity, cholesterol, and hypertension! Give yourself a hand job!