A Modest and Brief History

being a partial survey of baby-eating in the GOP

Due to public interest, I have expanded my essay, Vance and the Haitians, for the This Is Hell radio show/podcast, and done a slightly deeper dive into the historic particulars.

Now with special Easter Egg links!

Hear the author read this piece, recorded LIVE on the This Is Hell radio show/podcast, and visit the website for long form interviews, Renaldo Migaldi’s Rotten History, hangover cures, and more:

a butterball

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There's a reason Vance remains fixated on the Haitian diet, and it isn’t very nice.

The Republican Party’s tradition of eating babies probably began with Richard Nixon when he was Eisenhower’s Vice President. Vice President Nixon, or as he was known at the time, “Hungry Dick,” used to meet with Cubans hoping to retake the island from Castro with the help of the CIA. The story goes that at one meeting they had been discussing invading at a place called The Bay of Pigs. The meeting was going late because Nixon insisted on speaking Spanish, despite no actual Spanish speaker being able to understand him. But the duration of the meeting, or maybe repetition of the word “pigs,” got them all hungry. They called in to a mom-and-pop joint in DC to order fried chicken, but the phone operator misheard the order as “fried children” and the rest is cannibal GOP history.

An alternative origin story is that Nixon’s friend, Florida banker and second-generation Cuban-American Bebe Rebozo introduced the eating of babies to Hungry Dick at a pool party. Rebozo’s grandmother used to make a dish called “ropa vieja” out of her unwanted shuffleboard and bridge partners. Bebe adapted the recipe to his new Florida lifestyle and called it “ropa de recién nacido.”

Anti-Castro Cubans and their baby-eating ways aren’t always central when the Nixon Administration’s cannibalism comes up. When Roger Stone was in his early twenties and working for the Nixon re-election organization, CREEP, he acquired a taste for human baby-backs from psychotic covert operative G. Gordon Liddy. Liddy used brag about eating whatever he found lying around his subterranean lair, a habit Dick Cheney eventually adopted, thinking it made him seem badass instead of just a glutton. How babies kept getting into subterranean lairs in the 70s and 80s is a mystery, but in another political tradition known as “lying,” Liddy fabricated the tale of an ecosystem in the sewers where aborted fetuses flushed down toilets survived by feeding on alligators that had suffered a similar fate.

Relatedly, the strange GOP tradition of insisting that abortions routinely happen after a baby’s birth initially began as an ad-hoc explanation to police for baby parts found strewn about the Republican National Committee’s headquarters in the 90s. Anti-abortion Republicans insisted they had only been gathering evidence against Planned Parenthood, and the remains were in no way related to their suspiciously large supply of Old Bay Seasoning.

But back to that NYT story the peoples of the Americas and the world have all been disgusted by, about JD Vance eating immigrant babies (carrying on the GOP tradition of baby-eating). He was outed when he reacted to a post from the Twitter account, Auschwitz Memorial. A tweet from that account read:

“2 July 1939 | An Italian Jewish girl, Anna Anticoli, was born in Rome. She was deported to #Auschwitz from Rome on 18 October 1943 and murdered in a gas chamber after selection four days later.”

Accompanying the tweet was a photo of the child in her first year. Vance, salivating like Pavlov’s dog, remarked to a roomful of MAGA supporters in a comical Mario voice, “Mama mia, ‘at’s a spicy a-meatball.”

He now says he’s no longer appetized by Ashkenazi Jewish babies, and the Holocaust didn’t happen. His appetite for white Europeans has ceased entirely. He prefers immigrants of color. He especially craves Haitian infants, because, while he likes Creole spices, he prefers his foodstuffs earlier in life before they’ve built up too many Scovilles (SHUs).

JD Vance, of course, besides reviving Nixon’s tactic of being an abhorrently unlikable Vice Presidential candidate, is the author of the fictional autobiography, Hillbilly Elegy, in which he admits to chronic self-abuse during fantasies of sodomizing US colonial patriot Ethan Allen. Let’s be clear: he is not alone in the current new wave of GOP infanticidal cannibalism.

Donald Jockitch Dump, convicted felon and former clogger of the White House presidential toilets (fact-checked! – ed.), is well-known to eat anything battered and deep-fried. Battered children are his favorite. He can’t handle much spice, though. It’s one of his ethnic traits. Other of his traits are smelling like a corpse flower and causing sex workers to consider a career change to freelance castration.

The Haitian community is rightfully frustrated by a lack of law enforcement action. They were saving those babies for later. Like at least sixteen to eighteen years later, when they could really start bringing some money into the household, maybe through work in music, acting, yard maintenance, medicine, law, aviation—or maybe do some decent cooking. Maybe even become high-earning TikTok or YouTube influencers. And of course contribute to the Haitian community by contributing more Haitians.

So when some white guy or a pudgy werewolf starts consuming their children, it’s no wonder people of color, who were at first persuaded by Vance’s claim that Haitians were eating people’s pets, are now, with Vance’s latest culinary peccadillo coming to light, considering settling for the non-cannibalistic presidential ticket. They’ve been impressed by the dignity under which the Democrats cloak their racism, anti-poor policies, and international death-profiteering. Vance, of course, became a laughingstock when video appeared showing him failing to act human Earthling in a doughnut shop.

Whether or not his eating of Haitian babies, or other immigrant infants, glazed, custard-filled, or traditional plain, can somehow be turned to his advantage remains up to the legacy prestige media and how much worse they can suck.

*NYT = Nice Yosephus Times – ed.

This has been a SuperTruthy® edition of the Moment of Truth. Good day!